The Great Escape Bruises

When I woke up the next morning, it was still dark out. Something told me that it was way too early to be up, but last was still fresh in my mind. I grabbed my running pants and a shirt before slipping into the bathroom to change.

It was a relief that Kevin was still asleep when I came out a few minutes later to put my shoes on and slip out of the room.

As I went quietly out the front door, I walked past Claudia Joy’s house and down the sidewalk. My feet began picking up the pace as my thoughts swirled. By the time that I had taken a break from running, all my bruises from the week had surfaced.

The first thing that came to mind was that Sophie had always been a daddy’s girl—which seemed to make it hurt all that much more. She was around his finger, no matter what she did. He always seemed to get her to come visit, but he never saw the way she really acted.

There were the promises that Kevin always gave his word on, but there wasn’t actually enough trust for it to actually happen.

And my deepest secret: which weighed heavily on my mind. I knew that my drug problem hadn’t just slipped away from my thoughts. I wanted nothing more than to take a sip of alcohol and a pill to wash all my latest worries away.  

Despite having friends who cared, I wanted Kevin to be my more of my support system. Without him, I would continue to go into a less supported environment, and my recovery would be nothing more than a waste of time.

As I walked around the corner of the neighborhood, there was one possibility that began forming in my mind; one that I began to think about with such force and emotion that I bent over just to compose myself.

It was abundantly clear that my marriage and family had been broken apart.  We continued to act like nothing was wrong, and nothing would change as long as we chose to look the other way. I couldn’t hide the fact that it was getting harder and harder to wear a façade of masks. But even when I was making a mess of myself, something surprised me when I stepped back and gave up the reins.

Kevin recognized all I did when I didn’t show up at the banquet, and it happened to be the first breakthrough we had in awhile. Even though it didn’t seem like it at first, it was a welcome distraction up until this moment.

Now that Sophie was coming to visit, I felt like I should be happy. Instead I felt very wary about her arrival, because I knew deep down that my daughter resented me.

The thought provoked me to run harder, until I had reached home again. I slipped through the patio door and went upstairs. I half expected Kevin to be asleep since he had time off— when I reached the hallway, I could see the light filtering through the half open door.

As soon as I had entered, he closed the book that he was reading. “I thought you’d be sleeping. Did I wake you when I left?”

“Sleeping seems to be a rare factor around this house, or we both wouldn’t be up.” Taking off the glasses that he used to read, he set both on the nightstand. “You’re still angry about last night.”

As I turned to the closet to pick an outfit for the day, I looked at the clock and realized that I had been out for almost an hour. It had taken me longer than it usually did when I ran consistently every day.

“You know since we’ve moved here, I’ve actually made friends that care about something other than expensive handbags.” My hands swung forward in irrational movements at that point. I was feeling the frustration building up again, because even though I had realized what had to change, I wasn’t sure that Kevin would.

“I didn’t realize you were that unhappy.”

“I’ve spent my life only knowing and living in the army that I almost forgot that anything else existed.”  It wasn’t hard to miss the darkened, almost confused glint in his eyes. “All I’m saying is: keep an open mind. You may be running against Michael Holden, but that doesn’t give you the right to act like you don’t want to be associated with them.”

“It wouldn’t matter if I want to associate with them or not—Michael and I work in the same place on base.”

“On base. There’s nothing there that says associating outside of the office.”

“Fine, you’ve made your point.” Snatching his book up, he placed his glasses back on with one swift movement.  As he went back to reading, I waved my hand in frustration and closed the door to the bathroom.

My thoughts seemed to complete as I locked the door behind me; they seemed more desirable, and even more so as I slipped into the warm water. Despite how much I ached for a vacation, I knew that it would never happen if I waited for Kevin to take us on one.

It tore at my heart to even think about taking one without him, but I was getting tired of waiting. 

Inside, I felt like I wanted to burst, and despite having my own friends—they all had their own problems at the moment.

Now that I had offered to help with the FRG meetings, I knew that my vacation wouldn’t be for at least another couple weeks. It would give me enough time to research a good place; hopefully I could make it there before my desire to drink and take pills again, came around full circle.

My hand turned the knob to the hottest setting that I could stand, before I washed my hair and body before turning off the water and drying off.  I didn’t bother putting on my makeup or doing my hair, as it was only five minutes past six.

I already felt drained and wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, but I knew that I was too wound up to fall asleep any time soon. I had a couple hours to spare, so I went downstairs to eat a bowl of cereal.

At least a couple times, my hand went to my watch. I knew that both Claudia Joy and Denise were headed into surgery in just a few minutes. Kevin was gone by the time that I had come out of the bathroom. I assumed that he had gone for a run, since his shoes were no longer at the foot of the bed.  

After I put my bowl and spoon into the dishwasher, I went back upstairs and lay back down on the bed. I closed my eyes for a few seconds then pushed myself back up to get dressed. It was now almost a quarter to seven and I wasn’t going to allow myself the liberty of falling asleep and missing the FRG meeting.

By the time that I had buttoned my shirt up, I heard the back door close forcefully and knew that Kevin was home. A few minutes later, he came into the bedroom with sweat dripping down his shirt.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed when he hardly gave me any notice as he went into the bathroom to splash his face with water.

“We’ll stop off at the house later today. I’m sure Sophie will want to change before we go to lunch this afternoon.” I was picking out some shoes from the closet, when he leaned against the frame of the door. “I picked a restaurant that I thought we could all enjoy.” His tone seemed impatient.

“I might be a little late if the FRG meeting runs late, and if I go and visit Claudia Joy and Denise in the hospital. I’ll meet you there.”

“Fine. You finished in here?”

“Yeah. Grabbing my other shoe, I turned around to say something, but the bathroom door had already closed.”