Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Great Escape: Admit




{You know I won’t say sorry. The pain has a bad reaction—a blend of fear and passion.}

It turned out that my appointment was at eleven o’clock.  So, I took my time getting ready—lingering over every moment and willing time to stop.

“Jackie?” Kevin knocked on the door, jiggling the handle to no avail. I had locked the bathroom door after he had gone out, so he wouldn’t rush me. It was now a half hour past ten and I knew that I was pushing it, but I turned on the hair dryer and imagined him sighing in irritation.

I then dressed in a red sleeveless shirt and a black sweater, with jeans and red flats. It was possible that I wouldn’t be getting anywhere near an FRG meeting any time soon, but I certainly wasn’t going out of the house looking drab.

Knowing that it probably wasn’t the best thing to lock the door, I emerged and went downstairs.  Kevin was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. Already dressed in jeans and an army t-shirt, from his usual uniform that he often wore, I knew that he was serious about taking me to my appointment. I wasn’t sure when the last time it was that Kevin had taken off work.

Taking one look at me, he stood without even folding the newspaper first. I was pretty sure that it wasn’t because I was looking beautiful—no, I felt like crap. I finally had to admit that to myself, even though I didn’t want to. Just by the look he was giving me, I knew that I didn't have to admit anything to him either.

Catching me just as my knees buckled, he scooped me up and placed me in the car. There wasn’t so much as a protest on my end as we took off. It was clear that Kevin was doing everything in his power to show me that he had changed.

“Hang in there, Key.” He told me after glancing at me every few minutes. I found myself too tired to reassure him, and instead I turned my head to watch the passing scenery out the window.

With one hand on my stomach, I felt every bump as my stomach lurched forward. It took all my remaining strength to not spill everything in the car as we finally parked in front of the hospital.

“Kevin.”

Rounding the car, he opened the door on my side. I felt for the buckle and undid it as he helped me out. I wouldn’t let him carry me as I walked over to the nearest trash can and emptied my stomach.

“Think you’ll be okay here while I go in?” Nodding, I gagged into the trash can.

He left, only to return with a nurse with short black hair and a wheelchair. They helped me sit and the nurse wheeled me in, with Kevin right beside me. We were taken to a private room to wait for the doctor.

I was asked a series of questions that had everything to do with medication to the symptoms that I was experiencing. As she did, my temperature and blood pressure were taken along with it. We were left alone, with promises that the doctor would be in a few minutes.

I took the time to lie down on his lap, instead of the bed. “You know the bed would be a lot more comfortable.” Tucking my arms in, I felt more peaceful than before as I looked up at him.

“Did you call Denise?”

 He looked towards the door. “I left her a message. You do know that she’s going to tell 
Claudia Joy, and Claudia Joy will tell whoever else—“

“I know.” I answered, even though the thought hadn’t really occurred to me. In fact, I really didn’t have any time to think about it further when the door opened.

“General Clark—how are we doing today?” The doctor with brown hair greeted as she looked over the chart, and closed the door behind her. She was dressed in a blue shirt with a multi colored skirt underneath her white coat. “I see that we’re dealing with some sickness today.”

“Jackie. My wife has been sick since last night.”

“Hi Jackie, I’m Dr. Landry.” She pulled up a seat as I sat up. “Your husband and I used to be neighbors a long time ago—so I’ve seen you’ve had some tiredness, weakness, dizziness, vomiting, loss of appetite—anything else that I should be aware of before I take a look at you?” She looked from me to him with expected anticipation.

I exchanged a glance with Kevin. “Jackie’s also passed out a couple times.” Dr. Landry noted that on the chart with a concerned nod.

“Anything else I need to know that you think is important?”

We exchanged another glance and I saw the look in his eyes. I strongly willed him not to talk about the medication. “No.”

“Alright. Then let’s have you take a seat here on the bed, Jackie—and I’ll take a look at you.” Slowly getting up, I carefully sat against the bed. “I’m going to go ahead and have you sit up 
so I can check your pulse and breathing.”

“Take in a deep breath in for me—“I obliged, and focused on taking slow steady breaths as she moved the stethoscope around. “Again.” And then moved it once more. “And one more deep breath in. Good. It sounds like your heart is pumping pretty quick. I know you said that you had a los off appetite, but a lot of times when I hear this kind of this, it’s because a patient isn’t taking in enough fluids.”

“Is that what’s causing Jackie’s symptoms?” Kevin inquired, sitting forward in his chair.  

“Some of the symptoms that she’s experiencing could easily caused by dehydration.” Dr. Landry offered, taking the cuff and wrapping it around my arm. “Of course, there could also be an underlining condition, so I would like to do some tests, just to make sure that we’re not missing anything.”

It was quiet while she took my blood pressure and noted something on the chart, and then announced that she would have the nurse come in and take some blood and a urine test. Dr 
Landry informed us what she would be testing for, before excusing herself.

Dryly licking my lips, I leaned my head back against the bed. “You look nervous.”

“A little.” Looking around the room, all around me were plain white walls. “I just want to get out of here.”

“I have to say Jackie—I’m glad we’re here. Not because I want you to be here, but you scared me when you stopped moving or almost passed out in my arms. I can’t do that. . . I can’t lose you again.”

The way he said that, made me sit up. He sounded haunted, which is more than he ever let me know about when he was deployed, or when I had gone to rehab for the first time. Still, I had a feeling that he was referring to both instances.

I wanted to know where that all came from, but we weren’t in the right place to talk about it. I was beginning to think of everything that we had never talked about in our marriage; the little things that we went around just so we could avoid it. I guess now was just one of those times, where it was all coming back to us. 

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